The Amazing World of Hermie the Nitwit Elf*!

Now it's time for some words of wisdom from everyone's favorite elf.

I'm not just a nitwit!

So Hermie, what’s on your mind?

Rudolph says I’m the cheapest elf in the world, but I’m not buying it.
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My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.  I didn’t know he could!
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I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home only items 1, 3 and 5 got done.  Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
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I’m currently watching a show about beavers.  Best dam show I’ve ever seen.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep in.
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The doctor told my uncle he was going deaf. I’ll bet that news was hard to hear.
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Santa has forbidden me from making any more breakfast puns. He says one more and I'm toast.  Rudolph keeps egging me on.  He's such a ham.
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The other day I couldn’t tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.  In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.
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I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
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Rudolph has been putting glue on my rifle collection.  He denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
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I'm writing a book on reverse-psychology.  Please don't buy it.
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My son asked me, "Do trees poop?" I said, "Where do you think #2 pencils come from?".
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I like to change the "m" and the "n" on the keyboard in the office.  Some say I'm a monster. But I say I'm a nomster.
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Every New Year's Eve I look forward to a good show at Times Square.  But every year they drop the ball.
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*"Hermie, the Nitwit Elf" is not associated with the TV character "Hermey, the Misfit Elf" from the famous Chistmas special. "Hermey" is a copyrighted character.  "Hermie" just looks a lot like him. Please don't sue us.